


The Difficult Place

by phnelt



Category: The Good Place (TV)
Genre: Existentialism, F/F, The Medium Place, past Chidi/Eleanor, post-S3
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-01
Updated: 2019-08-02
Packaged: 2020-07-28 09:28:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 14,386
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20061775
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/phnelt/pseuds/phnelt
Summary: There was a moment -- brief shining, wide-eyed, etc. -- where everything seemed like it might work out, they would return fairness to the points system and earn themselves spots in the Good Place and good would triumph over evil.That moment was right when they finished their fake Good Place in the Medium Place.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This story is complete and being posted in sections as I check them over.

_I like who we’ve become. To this version of us! _\- Eleanor Shellstrop 

*** 

There was a moment -- brief shining, wide-eyed, etc. -- where everything seemed like it might work out, they would return fairness to the points system and earn themselves spots in the Good Place and good would triumph over evil. 

That moment was right when they finished their fake Good Place in the Medium Place. 

Of course, since the universe appeared to love to fork with them, it wasn’t too much later that Tahani found herself simply trying to keep ahold of Eleanor as she sobbed into Tahani’s bosom. The dress she was wearing was wrecked, but it was nothing compared to the way Eleanor was tearing herself apart. Losing Chidi like that hadn’t been anything they could have expected. 

Crying was too mild a word for what Eleanor was doing, it seemed like her body was trying to turn itself inside out; the feelings that were inside were too powerful to be kept there. She couldn’t speak, each inhale was more of a gasp, stolen from the wet exhales that sounded like old willows cracking under the weight of the wind. 

It was unbearable. 

Tahani pressed her hands into Eleanor’s back, her arms, trying to apply pressure to a wound that was everywhere. 

Eleanor started to rend her clothing, fingers biting into her flesh so Tahani reached out to hold Eleanor’s hands. A second later, the hysterical sobs were replaced by a low, horrible moaning. 

She didn’t know what to do. 

“Janet.” Janet appeared and immediately frowned. Tahani tried to give her a look that encompassed the whole situation. “What do I do?” It didn’t seem like Eleanor had noticed that Janet had arrived which was...worrisome. 

Janet knelt down and laid a hand on Eleanor’s shoulder and Eleanor flinched away, burrowing further into Tahani. “There’s nothing physically wrong with her.” Tahani felt relief. “I think,” Janet paused, which was very uncharacteristic for her. What did it mean if Janet was at a loss? “You just have to hold on. I’m sorry.” It made sense, really. Chidi was here, but the man they knew was gone. Tahani found it spooky really; it was like Chidi was dead and his ghost was haunting them. Nothing could make that better. When Tahani got introduced to him it was grotesque enough, her mind shies away from imagining his reintroduction to Eleanor. 

“Understood.” Tahani tried to look more confident than she felt as Janet disappeared. “Just hold on.” She said that more to herself than to Janet, a challenge and a promise rolled into one. 

And she did. She held her and held her until she cried herself into an exhausted sleep. It took Tahani a moment to notice, because the tears were still coming even when her breath evened out and her eyes were no longer flickering. 

“Janet,” she whispered. When Janet arrived she carefully transferred Eleanor into Janet’s arms. Janet lifted her effortlessly and Tahani rose and followed her up the stairs. Just as carefully, Janet laid Eleanor down in Tahani’s bed. Tahani kept her eyes on Eleanor the whole time. Looking away felt like taking a dangerous chance, and she wasn’t going to risk it. She wasn’t sure what she was worried about but it seemed desperately important. But Eleanor didn’t stir. Tahani dropped her dress onto the floor, heedless. It would be gone by morning, whisked away by the magic in this place and in the morning the room would would appear the same as it did when she walked in the first time. 

Donning her pyjamas, she slid in next to Eleanor. Eleanor had curled up into more of a ball. Tahani wasn’t practiced at thinking about the habits of others, but Eleanor’s body seemed accustomed to that position. Tahani wondered how often Eleanor had slept like that. Tahani’s eyes followed the silhouette of her body. She looked so small, which she was, but normally one didn’t notice it during the course of the day since her personality was so outsized. Here, stripped of all movement, hollowed out by grief, she seemed as human as she truly was. 

Tahani reached out and grasped Eleanor’s limp hand in her own. 

*** 

When she woke up, Eleanor was gone. Unsurprising, really, though Eleanor couldn’t possibly be rested. 

However, this place did have its advantages. “Janet?” Tahani went to her closet, as she expected, yesterday’s dress had been returned to its pristine state on the hanger, like nothing had happened. Her fingers hovered over it for a second; but no, not again. She selected a rose-patterned silk and taffeta creation. “Where is Eleanor?” 

“Eleanor is in Michael’s office, preparing for the new resident.” Tahani cursed in her mind. 

“It’s relentless, really. We just got Chidi yesterday.” Janet just gave her a sympathetic smile. 

She strode into Michael’s office on quick legs, her skirts whispering. Eleanor looked up. “Hey, hot stuff.” Eleanor sounded normal but Tahani squinted at her looking for the evidence of yesterday, and there it was, a very slight tightness in Eleanor’s eyes. The Medium Place could wipe away their stains and tears, but not their feelings. Or, Tahani supposed, it could, but it hadn’t. Eleanor was still the Eleanor of yesterday. 

“Take a break, have breakfast with me.” She tried to sound chipper, and welcoming, a beacon of stability and warmth, an anchor that Eleanor could hold onto. 

“Can’t. We figure the next one has to be someone set to ruin Jason’s afterlife so I’ve got a lot more questions for him.” Eleanor jerks a thumb over at Jason in the chair across from the desk. Tahani hadn’t even noticed he was there, he did rather blend in while clad in his monk’s costume. He gave a wave. 

“Sup, Tahani.” 

“So, Jason, spill the beans. Who would be the worst person to drop on you? What is your dark secret. Is it a complicated past with your mother? Elementary teacher you disappointed? There has to be someone who stands out.” Jason’s forehead was wrinkled into his big thinking face. 

“Seeing my mom again would be dope, except that she’d be dead which is sad.” He looks between them all as he explains. “She had to go back to the Philippines when I was little, but we Snapchat all the time.” He looked sad. “I had just sent her a sick snap from that bar in Canada with the new rainbow vomit filter. I don’t even know if she viewed it.” He sounds pain at the thought. 

“She did. She replayed it Jason,” Janet said leaning in. He brightened up. 

“Thanks, Janet.” He grabbed her hand and kissed it. So that was still going on, but it was lovely, she supposed. 

Just then, the pneumatic tube made a loud suction noise and a file appeared. Everyone turned towards it like it was a bomb about to go off, except for Eleanor who popped forward and lifted a file out of the tube fearlessly. 

“Ok, this is it.” She opened it and muttered, “right, forgot I can’t read this. Michael!” He stepped forward. 

“Her name is Jana Krasniqi.” Michael starts to read through her file. “32, Sarajevo native, no living family.” 

“Any bells, Jason?” In response, all Jason does is puff out his cheeks like a deranged squirrel. 

“Right.” Eleanor marches over to the door and yanks it open. “Take a look, does she look familiar?” 

Tahani doesn’t have high hopes, but Jason recognises her immediately. “That’s cool Youtube girl! She makes my favourite videos where she just welds random stuff together and then drops it off of tall buildings. They’re amazing. One time she welded a car steering wheel to an old laptop and dropped it from 30 stories up. You won’t guess what happened.” 

“Did it smash to bits?” She couldn’t tell if Eleanor was humouring him or making fun of him. 

Jason deflated a little, “How did you know?” 

“Lucky guess. She’s going to wake up any minute so all of you need to get out,” and she stuck out her thumb and pointed it towards the terrace. 

They all filed out. Tahani lingered, just a little, glancing back at Eleanor. She wasn’t sure what she wanted, some acknowledgement that last night had happened, that the there was something going on beneath Eleanor’s brave face. She looked at Eleanor beseechingly. 

Eleanor just shook her head. Tahani chose to read that as a _‘Not now,’ _and had to believe there would be a_ ‘Later.’_

*** 

She and Jason were eating some frozen yogurt in the square as they watched Eleanor show Jana around the neighbourhood. Jana was quite a striking woman, Tahani noticed. She wasn’t tall, but she had that same quality Eleanor did which made her appear much longer. Presumably, she was dressed in her customary style in a pair of extremely tight white jeans, halter crop top, large earrings, and wildly swinging ponytail. 

She couldn’t hear what Eleanor was saying but she could imagine. _Glad you like the neighbourhood, this is absolutely not a scam with a lot riding on it, so no pressure!_ Well, maybe not quite like that. 

And good lord, Jana had climbed the gazebo in the square. No warning. Just scaled it like a mountain goat. 

“See how cool she is?” Jason sounded distinctly admiring. “Man, it’s messed up that she didn’t get into the Good Place.” Jason suddenly stilled and pivots his head and looked at her intently. “Tahani, if she can’t do it, I don’t think anyone can. We have to do something about this.” 

“Yes, Jason, that is rather the point of this whole charade. We are trying to do something.” Sometimes she couldn’t believe this man, what did he think was going on? 

“I gotta go ask her about this one video she did with a grenade and --” 

She threw out a hand to stop him. “No! You’re being Jianyu remember? The silent monk? If you talk to her you’ll ruin everything.” She saw the stubborn glint to his eye and understood the Bad Place’s plan; they were going to tempt Jason into spoiling their secret. 

“Janet! Distract Jason.” Immediately Janet handed him a slinky. And he was off. Crisis temporarily averted. “Janet, Jason is going to try to talk to Jana. We must stop him.” 

“Okay!” 

“That’s all? Just Ok?” Tahani felt hysterical. Was she the only one taking this seriously? 

“Jason admires Jana and wants to talk to her -- we can’t let that happen, so, I’ll distract him. No problem.” Janet gave Tahani a thumbs-up. 

“Well, yes, good.” She brushed her hands down the front of her dress. This place would fall apart without her, truly. That reminds her of the art installation of her good friend Anish Kapoor whose Giant Pile of Sticks installation had been in danger of toppling until she had stabilised it with some nail varnish and a strongly worded comment to the curator. 

She had a welcome party to organise. She hoped John would disgrace himself, it would serve him right. Surely it’s ok to think that in the privacy of her own mind? As long as she doesn’t act on it in any way? That can’t count against their mandate to be good, can it? 

Sod it. 

*** 

The party was a smashing success. She’d never thrown a party where could have literally anything she could think of. She’d asked Janet for custom cocktails for each person inspired by their favourite song. It made the party distinctly vibrant, with cocktail hues from every colour of the rainbow. The rainbow effect added a layer of idiosyncratic fun to the otherwise very coherent colour scheme. She nodded at the room, pleased. She’d gone for a limited palette in whites and golds and so the room was shimmering gently, with pops of colour abounding. 

Someone had taken all of the prawns, but that was a minor annoyance at best. _Well done, Tahani. _

Jana was demolishing a bottle of vodka while Jason looked on in wide-eyed admiration, John was talking to a Janet offspring who was doing his best to nod along, while Simone and Chidi were talking to each other and laughing. So everyone was sorted. Her eyes caught on Eleanor in the corner, nursing her full teal glass. She went over. 

“Do you not like your beverage?” 

“No, it’s fine, it’s very,” she took a gulp, “spicy but with a cloyingly sweet aftertaste.” Tahani frowned. 

“It’s supposed to taste like your favourite song, perhaps yours has malfunctioned.” Eleanor took another sip. 

“Oh no, this makes sense.” 

“What song --” 

“So, did you catch John in the corner there?” 

Tahani looked over. John was giggling. Tahani frowned. “Why is he laughing?” Was he mocking her party? Mocking _her? _

“Apparently his favourite song tastes like pop rocks, maple syrup, and snow and he can’t get over how hilarious it is.” Those words made sense individually but Tahani struggled to put them together. She shook her head to clear it, realising that Eleanor was talking again. “We need to hook him up with the lovebirds over there.” She nodded her head towards where Chidi and Simone were gesturing animatedly at the tower of vol-au-vents in the shape of the Burj Khalifa. 

“Eleanor, Chidi and Simone just met…” Saying ‘Chidi wouldn’t be over there if he remembered you, there’s no need to be jealous’ seemed unnecessarily harsh. 

“It’s fine, man. I’m over it. And you know what I learned? Nothing matters, never love anything, eat as much shrimp as you want, what are they going to do to me, I’m already dead.” Tahani wanted to laugh because Eleanor was using her joking tone, but it seemed like a rather serious thing to say. 

“I don’t think that’s really the --” 

“Nope. It doesn’t matter if I’m good or bad, I don’t matter in this situation. We just need to get those,” she jerked her thumb at John and Jana “dumb-dumbs to shape themselves up and we already have someone on that problem,” she nodded meaningfully towards Chidi. For that to happen they need to be in the same room, and I’ve got Michael and Janet working on that. So all I, personally, have to do is sit here and not get so drunk I set your house on fire. And in my defense that only happened once and I think it was your fault, actually.” She smirked, took a sip of her drink, grimaced and said, _bleh. _

Tahani blinked. That was rather a lot to take in. 

She wasn’t sure where to focus, on the clearly intense emotions Eleanor was experiencing or on the way she was saying she wasn’t important. Surely Eleanor knew that it was her effort and problem-solving that had gotten them this far. _Michael _collapsed when he realised the stakes of his job and Eleanor picked that up. How could she dismiss that? 

Before she was forced to think of a response, Jason walked over and did an extremely exaggerated look around to see if anyone was paying attention before leaning in to ask, “What’s your drink? Mine tastes like this sick house beat that Pillboi and me put together but we never actually, you know, finished. Great party, Tahani!” 

“_Thank _you, Jason!” The man was incomprehensible but still, praise was praise. 

“So? What’s your drinks?” 

“Well, mine is a bit of a guilty pleasure. It’s the second movement in Beethoven’s Symphony No 4. A bit cliched I know, but it’s so emotive.” Jason nodded at her, and in those robes it almost gave him a sage aspect. Tahani considered, maybe the monk illusion would work. They turned to Eleanor, expectantly. 

“It’s ‘It wasn’t me’, okay? Don’t judge me.” And then she produced a prawn from nowhere and shoved it in her mouth. Tahani fixed her smile to her face. Politeness dictated that she pretend the entire exchange hadn’t happened. When something was awkward you ignore it, as her mother used to say. 

“All right then. Jason, did you need something?” 

“Nah homies, just wanted to say bye before I bounced. So. Bye!” And he was gone. Tahani watched him leave, he was practically running which was quite a feat in those sandals. When she looked back, Eleanor was gone too. 

Well, fine. She went to circulate. 

She took another glass of Symphony No 4 and nearly leapt out of her stilettos when she turned and saw John lurking directly behind her. 

He looked her up and down. “You and me, we should -- should stick together. The two misfits in this town of go-gooding do-gooders.” She had to sway away from the smell of alcohol on his breath. He’d definitely had one too many song-of-choice cocktails. He peered at her, but it was more of a full-body squint given the way his face had puffed up. “So just between us, how did you get in?” 

A hysterical giggle bubbled up and popped inside her. “I _did _raise 60 billion dollars for charity.” She cringed a little hearing her customary brag come out of her mouth, but she rallied. “That may not seem like much compared to the humanitarian missions you were running for Rohingya refugees, but it did earn me enough points.” Her words had a good effect on John. His eyes widened and froze, going pale, and she could see him desperately trying to cling to his charade. She knew he was suffering right now and it was deeply delightful. 

She was warming up to this, it turned out that torturing people was fun! “Eleanor told me about how you faced down the heavily armed detachment of military forces looking for the children in the school you were teaching at--such a brave way to die. Dying to raise the consciousness of a nation earns one such an ever lot of points.” 

“Yes, well,” he took a breath to say what promised to be a lie so magnificent it would put his tabloid days to shame before swaying so heavily into her space that she was forced to take a step back. Before he could collapse onto her delicate frame, Jana swooped in and hoisted him up by the waist. 

“Do you want me to dispose of him?” _Dispose? _Did she mean assassinate? Or something else? Her face was so stern, like a work of marble, that Tahani just couldn’t be sure. 

Tahani realised she was goggling. “I’m sorry, I’m not sure what you mean. 

Still supporting him, Jana shrugged. “I could take care of him for you.” That did not clear things up for her. 

She went with a safe response. “No, that won’t be necessary.” She thought back to what Eleanor had said. “But you could escort him home, I’m not sure he should be left alone right now.” Jana shrugged, equably and maneuvered John out of the room like he was a medium sized sack of potatoes. 

*** 

Tahani knew it was coming, but it was still unpleasant to be roused by the blaring tones of Mika announcing he could be happy or purple. Tahani guessed she had the answer to what John’s favourite song was. 

The most surreal part was listening to Eleanor explain that there was something -- or by implication, someone -- who didn’t belong in the neighbourhood causing all of the problems. She was doing a respectable job of looking sincere and authoritative, but it was hard for Tahani to reconcile Architect-Eleanor with the Eleanor who’d bragged about getting so hyper-competitive with a child that she’d been hospitalised after putting more than 15 marshmallows in her mouth. It was like watching two different people. Harder still was reconciling the third Eleanor who talked about how much the brainy bunch meant to her, who genuinely cared about all of them. 

But still, her Eleanor-In-Charge act seemed to be working. Looking around, Chidi looked nauseous, Simone intrigued, and John looked like he was trying to merge in with the topiary next to his chair. Jana stared dead-eyed, which Tahani chose to interpret positively. She felt like she was doing a lot of that recently, but, chin up and all that. 

*** 

They went back to Eleanor’s office afterwards to debrief. Michael was in a bit of a froth, excited about how things were going, reminiscing about his favourite chaos sequences. 

Eleanor cuts Michael off. “Janet, are we on track?” 

Janet pauses for the barest moment. “Comparing the records from all the previous reboots, on average all four humans were in ethics lessons within a month.” Everyone leaned back in their chairs, relieved. “However,” Janet continued, “there were outliers with the shortest time being three days and the longest five months.” 

Eleanor got a gleam. “What do we have to do to tighten it up.” 

“Tighten it up?” Michael asked. 

“Yeah,” Eleanor elaborated, “Pump the gas, take the whippets, light a rocket, squeeze the cheese, get speedy with it. What can we do?” 

“Nothing, Eleanor,” Michael said and Eleanor looked ready to fight. He capitulated a little hands up, “Well, we can try but anything we do runs the risk of the humans figuring out they’re being deceived and we don’t get a reboot here. If they catch us, or the judge thinks we’re pushing them,” he pauses, hands spread wide as they all imagine the horrible consequences. “It’ll all be for nothing.” 

Eleanor doesn’t seem deterred. “At the end of the day, we need to get this done, that’s the only thing. So, sure, we’ll try it your way for a bit, but if we’re not seeing progress, I’m going to start taking steps.” She leaned forward to press her point. “We have one goal and one goal only. Let’s make it happen.” 

Michael nodded and Tahani felt something stir within her. Eleanor was pure determination, there was a clarity to the way she was speaking that said to Tahani: they will get this done, no matter what. 

*** 

It wasn’t too long after that she caught John sneaking out of Chidi’s apartment, a notebook clutched in his grubby, gossipy hands. 

Chidi and Simone weren’t even being covert about their studies. After the party, they’d immediately declared their interest in seeing if they could do a more rigorous study of the soul and its principles. Even Janet had been pressed to keep up with their requests for articles and original study protocols. 

At one point, Chidi asked if there was an ethics review process for any experiments they might want to run. 

She should be delighted, and yet. _Things are going swimmingly, _she thought as she stabbed her frozen yogurt. _Then why am I so frustrated? _The trouble was, there was nothing for her to do. She had been used to a bit of a frenzy when they were fugitives, and then there were the party festivities, but with Michael’s injunction not to meddle, and with Jason wrapped up in Janet, and Eleanor wrapped up in the mission, she was at rather a loose end. 

Tahani had barely seen Eleanor since their debrief unless it was as cover for observing the humans. Like now, they were sitting in the courtyard, ostensibly eating frozen yogurt but in reality they were keeping tabs. 

“Hey Tahani?” Eleanor said, frozen yogurt dripping from her spoon, unheeded. 

“Yes Eleanor?” Eleanor’s eyes were still glued where Simone and Chidi had their heads pressed together, books in front of them. “I can’t live in that house anymore. Can I stay with you?” She turned away from Chidi and Simone and their eyes caught. Tahani was looking for the telltale glitter of tears, but Eleanor’s eyes were flat, a becalmed sea. 

“Of course you can.” 

*** 

She didn’t think much more of it until Eleanor followed her all the way back to her bedroom. Well, more accurately she didn’t notice until she turned and bumped into Eleanor. 

“Oh, pardon me Eleanor, I didn’t see you there.” Eleanor just stared at her. Tahani opened her mouth to say something but that’s the moment when Eleanor started kissing her. 

Tahani broke them apart. “What are you doing?” Eleanor chuckled a little, throaty. 

“What does it look like?” She leaned in but Tahani leaned back. 

“I can see what you’re doing, but since you haven’t shown any interest in me before, I think answering my simple question is reasonable.” She crossed her arms over her chest as Eleanor attempted to prevaricate. 

“I wouldn’t say no interest--I mean, look at you,” She waved her hands up and down Tahani’s body like that meant something. 

“Yes, yes, you’re a ‘horndog,’” she made the air quotes, “you flirt, but that’s all, usually.” Tahani knew she had to remain firm. She tossed her hair. “I demand you explain yourself.” 

Eleanor burst out, “I just want something to not hurt for just a couple of minutes. Is that so much to ask?” Tahani paused. She hadn’t thought about what Eleanor might be feeling, as the days went on, all the while knowing we weren’t getting Chidi back just yet. 

“No,” she said, gentling her voice, “that’s not too much to ask.” She didn’t know what the right thing to do was. She’d learned a lot about helping others since she met Eleanor, but this was a new situation, she had no guidance in this, but possibly no one had written anything about what to do when your friend and inspiration had the love of their afterlife forget them utterly. Chidi would know if any such guidance existed, but she couldn’t ask him. 

And it was hard to think of an argument for saying no, when Eleanor was right in front of her, warm and literally inviting. Eleanor kept pulling everyone together keeping them going and she never gave up, never wavered. The Eleanor who lit a fire in them was still in front of her, but she was dimmed somehow. And maybe she couldn’t fix everything, but she had learned how to listen and how to help when people asked. She said she’d hold on to Eleanor and she meant to. 

At the end of the day, Tahani is only human and Eleanor is a hurricane of lipgloss and wicked angles. She brushed her knuckles across Eleanor’s face. Eleanor’s eyes fluttered closed. 

“I want to help you.” Tahani whispered. Eleanor leaned into her knuckles. 

“Then help me.” Eleanor opened her eyes. Inevitably, Tahani leaned in and kissed her. 

This felt serious, somehow; Eleanor seemed so focused and dedicated as she carefully stripped Tahani of her clothes and then did the same to herself. 

She always thought of Eleanor as having edge, of having fire. But the Eleanor here was soft and yielding, pulling Tahani against and into her as they walked backwards towards the bed, never breaking their kiss. 

If Eleanor wanted to feel good, Tahani was going to make her feel good. 

“Slow,” she whispered, and Eleanor pulled back immediately, concerned. But Tahani just smiled at her and took advantage of the moment to turn Eleanor and press her into the mattress. She splayed her hands across Eleanor’s ribs and brushed her thumbs against the underside of her breasts, so much more of a perfect handful than Tahani’s own. She just did that until Eleanor was shivering and her nipples had pebbled. Only after that did she lean down and take one of Eleanor’s nipples into her mouth. Eleanor arched and writhed, but Tahani’s hands held her fast. 

She kept to that pattern. Gentle and single-minded. Every time her hands moved somewhere new, Eleanor’s spine unbent just a little. Millimeter by millimeter she got closer to relaxed, more and more like the Eleanor of before. 

When Tahani judged the time was right, she gave a little nip to the inside of Eleanor’s elbow and Eleanor giggled. Tahani’s lips curved up into a victorious smile. 

Eleanor came alive. 

She pushed back against Tahani, got her own hands exploring and tweaking. It was very distracting. Then Eleanor got her leg between Tahani’s legs and -- Tahani may have miscalculated a little. 

“Oh yeah,” Eleanor said with a gleam in her eye. “Payback’s a bench.” 

*** 

Lying in bed together, after, Tahani reached out a tentative hand. “Did it help?” 

Eleanor turned on her side to face Tahani. “Oh yeah, babe, that was--” and then she stopped herself, a terrible expression on her face. 

Tahani was already reaching out, with both hands to pull Eleanor in. She had Eleanor pressed to her bosom when she began to sob. She knew something had to be simmering underneath the regular carefree Eleanor but she hadn’t any clue this was still there, just as present and demanding to be felt as it was their first night. 

Tahani’s thoughts raced; she felt like she kept hurting the people she loved. She hurt Janet when she tried to clarify her relationship with Jason. She’d hurt Larry when she left him. She’d even hurt Kamilah, over and over, and Kamilah hurt her in return. 

But she liked helping. That had been the big discovery of her time in the Medium Place. She’d thought she’d resent it, being in the shadows, a repeat of her previous life, but this had been different. 

It had been different because the people she cared about recognised the work she did. Every thumbs-up from Janet, ‘well done’ from Michael, and high five from Eleanor had made her feel more appreciated than any amount of top billing on a charity gala. 

“Don’t go,” Eleanor said, between tears. 

“I won’t.” Hadn’t she promised? 

“I’ll be better tomorrow,” Eleanor was gulping out her breaths, “but just for tonight, please.” 

Tahani gripped her harder and let that be her answer. Maybe she couldn’t do anything meaningful, but she could do something right now, in this moment. Tomorrow Eleanor would stand tall and commanding, would have to, but she didn’t have to be that way with Tahani. 

That was the gift Tahani could give her, even if it wasn’t enough, it was something. 


	2. Chapter 2

When they woke up, Tahani served them breakfast in the smaller solarium, with the everyday tea set. She hoped the rustic choices would make Eleanor feel more at-home. She wanted Eleanor to be comfortable. Charm and disarm. 

“Great, food, I’m starving.” Eleanor shoved a whole crumpet into her mouth. It was exceptional, in its own way. Tahani tried not to be appalled, she liked to think she’d been girded against American behaviour in the time she’d known Jason and Eleanor. But one can never be too inoculated against their...carefreeness. 

“Quite.” Tahani said, with an attempt at a smile. Eleanor leered at her, crumbs all down her front as if to imply Tahani was the reason for her hunger pangs. She tried not to be charmed by it but found herself blushing nonetheless. _Americans, _she thought as she started applying jam to her own crumpet vigorously. 

When Eleanor looked like she was getting close to finished, Tahani put out a hand to stop her. 

“I wanted to talk a little more,” she put on her most open and earnest expression. Cameron Crowe had once described it as ‘doe-like’ when he’d been trying to convince her to star in Aloha. Poor man had to settle for Emma Stone. 

Eleanor coiled as if to spring, but Tahani had anticipated this and tightened her hand. She wouldn’t put it past Eleanor to make a scene, but Eleanor had been careful not to hurt her friends, and Tahani was banking that physically ripping Tahani’s hand off would cross that line. 

“What’s there to talk about?” Her voice was a little high-pitched and her grin a little deranged, but Tahani took the opening. 

“I realise we haven’t been as supportive of you as we should have been.” Eleanor’s mouth tightened. “You’ve taken on a lot, being the Architect, and I want to do more to help you.” She punctuated herself with another doe-eyed look in Eleanor’s direction. “So, this is me, offering to help.” What she was trying to say was: _I see the way you’re carrying the weight of this task and I’m worried it’s going to crush you; yes this has to get done, but does it have to be so hard along the way?_ She pulled her hand back. 

“Great! Good! Thanks! I’ll keep that in mind.” Eleanor hadn’t fled, which made Tahani inordinately pleased. So Tahani nodded to herself, satisfied, and took a sip of her tea. With any luck, Eleanor would lean on her a little more and things would be easier. “Can we still have sex though?” Tahani’s cup landed back in its saucer with a clatter. _Everyday set, _she reminded herself. Those do tolerate harder use. Her blush had returned. 

“If...well, I don’t see why not?” Her voice was strangled at the end. Before the crying, it had been fun. And Eleanor had laughed. 

“Oh thank God because a vibrator can only get this girl so far, you feel? Even if you can get an infinite variety from Janet.” Janet appeared. 

“Hi there!” 

“We’re good.” 

“Okay.” And Janet was gone again. 

“I...see.” 

“You’re a pal.” And Eleanor leaned across the table to kiss Tahani passionately before dashing off. 

Tahani pressed her fingers to her lips. 

*** 

Tahani waited a decent interval, completing her short list of tasks, before finally calling Janet. 

“Yes, Tahani?” 

“Where is Eleanor?” Tahani wasn’t sure how she felt about using these methods, but she couldn’t deny how convenient it was. 

“Eleanot is with Michael.” Janet smiled at her. “Should I tell her you’re looking for her?” 

“No!” Tahani burst out. “I mean, no. I think I’ll go for a walk.” Janet just smiled at her, saying nothing. “That is all, Janet,” Tahani said with a bit of an edge. 

“Ok!” And Janet was gone. 

So Tahani went for a walk. 

Alone, she could admit to herself that last night had been...fun. Up until the moment that she’d realised just how deeply Eleanor was missing Chidi, it had been an almost perfect evening. Uncomplicated pleasure, not just from Eleanor’s extensive skills at giving pleasure, but just holding her. It had been nice. 

That’s why she hadn’t brought herself to turn Eleanor down this morning when she had asked if they could continue. A few nice moments never hurt anyone. 

In fact, Eleanor could probably think of a few more things to do to Tahani and Tahani wasn’t a slouch in the ideas department herself. Those thoughts carried her along through her stroll until a sight caused her to stop dead. 

A massive cliff face had sprung up where the wildflower meadow used to be. “Janet!” Tahani cried out, not looking away. “What’s that?” 

“That’s the climbing wall that Jana requested. It’s a replica of the limestone cliffs of Costa Blanca.” Tahani craned her neck up and yes, now that she was looking for it, she could see a small speck that was presumably Jana. 

“Good lord does she have no fear of falling?” 

“No, she does not. After all, she can’t die.” Janet said this matter of factly, like she wasn’t discussing a woman who was at least thirty metres in the air. Tahani wondered why she’d never thought about that. What was the consequence of falling in the afterlife? 

She watched Jana climb for a second when another thought occurred to her. 

“But Janet, if Jana is here, then she isn’t learning about ethics from Chidi.” For a moment Janet looked troubled before her face smoothed out. That steeled Tahani, if Janet was troubled, then it was very concerning. “Right. Group meeting. I need everyone in Eleanor’s office.” 

When Tahani got there, Jason was right behind her. Michael and Eleanor were poring over a corkboard with each human’s picture on it with ideas for ethical tests. Chidi’s had the words ‘trolley problem’ on them angrily scratched out, while John had ‘help Tahani,’ which made Tahani’s blood run cold. Most worryingly, Jana’s just had ‘????’ written under her name. 

Eleanor looked up. “Oh, hey beautiful,” Tahani paused for a moment, flustered. What did she mean by that? How should Tahani react? Was she imagining a secret curl to Eleanor’s lip? 

Getting ahold of herself she limited herself to a “Hello Eleanor.” She also wasn’t sure if she imagined Eleanor’s lips slightly turning down in response to Tahani’s cold introduction. She firmly reminded herself that they were behaving exactly as they customarily would. 

“We have a problem.” Tahani squared herself to the group. “Jana isn’t getting more ethical.” 

Michael pinched the bridge of his nose. “We know.” 

This deflated Tahani somewhat. In a smaller voice she asked, “You knew?” 

“Well, yes, Tahani, it was a little difficult to miss what with the constant surveillance we have them under. 

_Constant? _She shot a questioning look at Eleanor, _Did that mean? Last night? _But Eleanor shook her head slightly. Tahani was relieved she had some privacy, especially since now she was spared from having to expose something she didn’t fully understand herself. 

She could imagine herself trying to explain to a thousand year old demon, a Florida dirtbag, and well, Janet, _oh yes, I’m currently engaging in sexual congress with one of my dearest friends who cries in my arms and knows how to unhook a bra with a single finger without looking. _It was hardly the stuff of romance, and yet Tahani didn’t want to expose it all to the harsh scrutiny of the outside world. Right now it was just theirs, an Eleanor that only Tahani got to see. Maybe it didn’t mean anything but Tahani wasn’t willing to lose the secret. 

“We don’t know everything that’s been going but we do know that for the last two weeks John has been spending between four and six hours every day at Simone’s cottage with Chidi,” Eleanor was matter of fact as she laid out the details. It lacked some of the traditional Eleanor flourishes and editorialising, but it was a distinct improvement from the toneless way Eleanor had used when she reported how her re-introduction to Chidi had gone. Tahani knew that it couldn’t all be due to her own efforts but she decided to take some credit. “After two weeks, they’re probably just wrapping up Socrates.” 

Tahani nodded. The rest test of John’s commitment to his own improvement would happen when they hit the six week overview of Kant that began with over an hour on his approach to walking through gardens. Truly tedious, and Tahani had spent an afternoon with Kate Middleton as she had attempted to choose between 20 pairs of identical beige pumps. 

Eleanor was still talking, “And we know that Jana has never been, not once. We’re not even sure she’s talked to any of them aside from glaring at Chidi when he spilled frozen yogurt on her and then apologised for a full five minutes.” 

“That doesn’t sound like Chidi,” Jason said. 

“It does, before he knew us, honey, remember?” Janet said. 

“Oh, right.” Jason beamed at Janet as she smiled fondly back at him. 

Eleanor continued, “The original plan was to drop some subtle hints that they didn’t belong, which would drive them to go to Janet to find someone to help.” 

“And has Jana asked for anything, Janet?” Tahani asked, curiously. 

“I can’t reveal any of the personal requests that any resident makes to me, but I can tell you that I haven’t had any opportunities to tell Jana to go talk to Chidi.” That seemed rather like bending the rules but Tahani was in no position to complain. Tahani looked over to Eleanor to see if this was a surprise to her but Eleanor was staring out of the window, clearly chewing on something else. 

Tahani threw herself into the chair closest to the window as Michael leaned back against the desk. 

“Ok so, what do we do?” Tahani was optimistic that even if Eleanor seemed to be functioning below her peak, that the others might have some suggestions. 

“We need to find a way to get them together.” Michael made it sound so easy. “Eleanor was right, non-intervention isn’t getting us there.” Tahani looked for a flicker of reaction. 

“Well, that’s big of you to admit, Michael,” Tahani said, almost chidingly, trying to get Eleanor back into the conversation. “How did you get us together?” Tahani hoped they could learn from the past, but was discouraged when she saw Eleanor roll her eyes. 

“You have to remember, I never wanted you to get better; I only wanted to torture you. You kept forming your little human cockroach team no matter what I did to stop you. Even when you were on Earth, all we had to do was gently nudge you together and you started improving yourselves.” Tahani could have sworn she heard Janet cough, but when she looked over, Janet was just standing there as usual. 

She looked back to Michael. “So that means…” Tahani trailed off hopefully. 

“We’ve never faced this problem before.” 

Tahani leaned back, defeated. “Fantastic.” 

*** 

They decided to intensify their attempts to intercede with Jana. After brainstorming late into the night, they’d filled multiple cork boards with a variety of ideas including ‘swarm of bees,’ ‘trapped in a closet,’ and ‘Superbowl,’ which was a characteristically unhelpful Jason suggestion. 

By tacit agreement, they’d left out any plan that involved Eleanor having to intercede with Chidi. Tahani decided, grimly, that if it truly became necessary, she would run whatever interference was required to protect Eleanor. And it would be protection, if the way Eleanor tensed up every time Chidi’s name was mentioned was an indication. 

Tired, they trooped back to their homes, and Eleanor came with Tahani. 

They were barely inside before Eleanor pounced, starting a series of events that eventually led to the destruction of three rococo end tables, a tropical fern, and Tahani’s ability to support her own weight. 

Eventually, they wobbled off to bed, slotting together easily under the sheets. 

In the quiet dark, it was harder to hold onto her confidence from before and despite herself she found herself asking: 

“Do you think any of these plans will work, Eleanor?” Tahani asked, voice low. 

There was a pause for a long second, before Eleanor said, almost harsh, “They have to.” Tahani stirred a little, uneasy at Eleanor’s tone, but Eleanor just pet her and said nothing else until they fell asleep. 

*** 

Their first approach was to leave Jana a threatening note that said ‘You don’t belong here.’ Jana received it stone faced and set it on fire before going skydiving. Tahani didn’t even know she was carrying a lighter. Jason had to be physically restrained from following her onto the plane Janet was piloting. 

They tried throwing calamities in her wake, but Jana just side-stepped them all. And still, stubbornly, she talked to no one and asked for nothing except danger and adrenaline. 

And every night, Eleanor and Tahani would sleep together. Oh, they didn’t destroy an end table every night, as it were, but no matter what they ended up waking up in Tahani’s comfortable master bedroom, caressed by the silk sheets and framed by the organza canopy. It was becoming a routine that Tahani refused to allow herself to get used to, no matter how her arms had become used to the feeling of cradling Eleanor’s delicate frame, of the way her fine hair would spread, cobweb-like across the pillow and find its way directly under Tahani’s nose. Fighting off her sleepy golden net of hair had become a more reliable way to wake up in the morning than any alarm clock. 

But she couldn’t think about it. Because at some point Chidi would wake up from this interlude of ignorance and then Tahani would be back to her eternal question: whither Tahani? 

Eleanor had made it clear that she considered this project a necessary if unpleasant step towards their true future. In the ways that counted the most, this wasn’t real. 

*** 

Tahani cornered Jana at mandatory Pairs Pottery Painting. The justification was thin, but in essence Eleanor told them all that they would paint their ‘soul spirits’ into bowls that they could then display in their homes, but that the true ‘soul spirit’ could only be revealed through partner painting. 

Tahani was not proud of her participation in this plan, but times must. 

Although, once she got her hands on her tall vase and her brushes dipped in paint, she fell into the activity. _I forgot, I was good at this, I liked it. _She hadn’t painted for years, not since Kamilah had decisively won that competition in her parents’ eyes, but actually, it had been rather soothing. That part was coming back to her a little. _What fun. _She finished a bit of a flourish in the section she was outlining and looked up, satisfied. 

Which is when she caught Jason’s eyes a table over, eyes wide. Once he sees her looking, he smushes his hands towards each other like he’s stretching imaginary saltwater taffy. Tahani feels a small burst of annoyance -- she’s not taking commands from a man who has painted what appear to be boobs on his shallow bowl. So she simply glares back. Then sighs. 

This whole time, Jana has been diligently painting her matching vase and -- actually, it’s striking. She has a strong command of colour and is using bold patterns to give the illusion that the vase’s shape is altered. It’s abstract, yet visceral. 

“So!” Tahani began brightly. “Have you made any particular friends?” Might as well get straight to it, Jana seemed like a woman who appreciates directness, even if the question is a little inane, not to mention overly familiar. 

Jana looked back at her, a little nonplussed. Which, fair enough, they had been operating in a surprisingly companionable silence. But she answered, “No.” Ah. 

“Why not? Some of the residents are lovely -- Chidi, for instance…” but she trailed off as Jana sets down her paint brush and sighs. 

“You talk a lot.” She made it sound like a criticism, somehow. 

“Well, I suppose I might --” but Jana cut her off. 

“And he talks even more. I don’t see the point.” That seemed rather final, but curiosity drove Tahani onward. 

“Talking is bad?” 

“It doesn’t get anything done and it mostly seems like a way for people to get angry and convince people to do bad things. I’d rather just paint my bowl.” And she went to pick up her brush. 

“So how do you make friends?” 

“I don’t.” 

“Really? Never?” Jana sighed again and her hands started to twitch as if they needed to be occupied. 

“Why are you asking me all of these questions?” 

Tahani cast her mind about. “Because I’m your neighbour?” 

Jana tilted her head, giant earrings listing towards the earth. Tahani thought she might have updated her wardrobe now that her options were unlimited, but apparently not. It was still frosted eyeshadow and bejeweled jeans. “Like Mr. Rogers?” Tahani realised that was actually an answer to her question. 

“Yes!” Tahani waved a hand, “like Mr. Rogers. I am happy to...be your neighbour.” Tahani hoped Jana didn’t ask her any other questions about Mr. Rogers because her parents had considered the show too plebeian for her to watch as a child. She’d only managed to snatch glances of it through the gap in the door of her housekeeper Marta’s room where she’d watch it with her kids. 

Jana was nodding like this made sense to her. She seemed to unbend the slightest bit. “I don’t make friends anymore. My best friend died in the bombing when I was seven, my brother stole a Russian’s car and was beaten to death, and my first boyfriend died from bad knockoff vodka. I didn’t like him very much though.” She shrugged, totally equanimous about this litany of death and horror. This was in fact not unlike Eleanor also, now that Jana thought about it. If only Eleanor wasn’t pretending to be the Architect, she’d be perfect for talking to Jana. “After that,” she shrugged again, like that was the only answer worth giving. 

Tahani thought she could see why. But Jana didn’t seem to be done. This was the most any of them had heard her speak so Tahani didn’t want to interrupt. “And Chidi? He is weak. The winter will kill him. I’m not going to waste time on someone like him, especially when you don’t know when things are going to change.” She seemed to realise she’d said too much and clammed up, pressing her lips together. This was the first sign that their campaign of terror had made an impression! Maybe she really did feel like she didn’t belong if she was worried her new life wasn’t permanent. 

But then Tahani deflated. Oh. This was actually quite bad. Jana had no intention of improving herself, seeming to be quite fatalistic about the whole situation. 

Apparently when the brainy bunch had realised they didn’t belong they apparently worked tirelessly to improve. Was that the natural reaction? Tahani had worked tirelessly for her parent’s approval even when she was never going to get it, but they were the only parents she had. If she thought nothing she did in this life truly mattered because it could be snatched away, how would she have performed? But she couldn’t give up with Jana because this _did _matter. 

“Is there truly no one in the neighbourhood you feel a kinship with?” Jana said nothing but her eyes cut, seemingly involuntarily, over to Simone. 

Success. 

“You know,” Tahani started, going ‘all up’ as Jason would say, “I know Simone. I could introduce you.” Jana just glared at Tahani and picked up her paint brush, attacking her vase with the same vigour with which she seemed to attack mountains. 

Conversation over, Tahani went to pick up her own brush, but not before meeting Eleanor’s eyes. Eleanor gave her a subtle thumbs-up and a gaze full of pride and promise. 

It made Tahani feel warm, low, and curled in her gut, and she had to avert her gaze, returning to her vase. 

*** 

Tahani was concerned about the longevity of this approach, but when she got home she set the vase on a table in the foyer nonetheless. Might as well display it, Eleanor's rampages be damned 

She needn’t have worried; Eleanor simply grabbed her by the hand and marched her to the bedroom -- an exotic choice for them. But Tahani’s attention was immediately diverted as Eleanor proceeded to drive her out of her mind. 

At the end she was certain her _fingernails _were tingling and she had several mouth-shaped bruises on the underside of her breasts that caused her to shiver when she pressed them. 

“Wow.” That was what Eleanor had reduced her to. One-word sentences. 

“Yeah,” Eleanor sounded a little breathless, which made Tahani feel slightly better. “I’d high-five you if I had the energy.” 

Tahani giggled. An honest giggle. 

She was feeling pretty well overall, in fact. Eleanor had looked at her -- just at her, and not at Chidi failing to choose between two paint colours. 

It was Tahani that Eleanor had praised, and Tahani who was in bed with Eleanor now, bearing her marks. 

Unthinkingly, she said, “You know, I think we suit pretty well, even if we may not be soulmates like you and Chidi are.” She winced immediately, as Eleanor flinched at the word ‘soulmate’. She wished she could take the words back. 

They hung between them in a dreadful silence as Tahani berated herself. _Stupid, and silly, and naive. _This was always a temporary dalliance, born of the liminal space they were inhabiting between being alive and truly dead. In some ways, they were more like Jana, Tahani realised. Waiting. 

She could only hurt herself by drawing attention to their transience in this place. 

Eleanor rustled next to her, leaning up over Tahani to say, “Soulmates are overrated.” Eleanor gave Tahani a squeeze, “I’d rather have you on my team any day.” 

“We do make rather a good team, don’t we?” Tahani said as the small desperate thing inside her chest lived for another moment. 


	3. Chapter 3

Tahani introduced Simone and Jana the next day. Simone mostly smiled at her nervously while Jana gave her the glare that Tahani knew to be her default expression. She had rather been hoping for a bit more excitement, but after all, Jana was used to neighbours. 

Simone was asking her about her earrings, valiantly trying to make small talk so Tahani sidled away, leaving them to. As soon as she turned her back, she saw Chidi, staring at her. 

She jumped. 

“Good lord,” she said, a hand on her chest, “Chidi! What can I do for you?” She winced after she finished. It was a reflex, but she didn’t want to help him right now. And this was with her unfortunate fixation on Eleanor aside, it was still too strange to look at a friend and remember to treat him as a stranger. She’d only had to do that once before, when her entire class had given the cut direct to Priyanka Chopra. Tahani’s class destroyed her self-esteem so much that she never became anything more than a simple actress. 

“You’re friends with the architect, Eleanor, right?” Chidi had clearly worked is way up to this, she could see a hint of sweat along his hairline. 

Tahani acknowledged this was the case. 

“Sometimes I get the feeling that she doesn’t like me? But that’s crazy, right?” He looked up at her, earnestly, the expression she knew so well. Tahani forced a laugh. She’d been so focused on avoiding Chidi she hadn’t noticed that Eleanor was doing the same thing. 

“Yes! Quite crazy, I’m afraid! Eleanor likes us all equally, I’m sure!” 

Chidi frowned. “Are you ok?” 

Tahani smiled. “Mm-hmm.” 

“Well, could you tell Eleanor we’d -- I’d -- like to talk with her? But maybe wait until she’s in a good mood?” 

That was ominous. What was Chidi planning? 

She never got a chance to find out though, because when she made it back to Eleanor’s office, everyone was already in a circle, arguing. It seemed like it had been going on for a while. 

Michael waved her in with two fingers. 

“What’s wrong now?” Tahani thought some hysterics were probably appropriate. Why couldn’t things go well for once. 

“The Bad Place has a spy in here, working against us.” Tahani was braced for something extreme, so it took a second for Michael’s words to penetrate, but when they did, Tahani felt a sense of vindication. 

“I knew it!” She crowed. 

Michael frowned. “Why didn’t you say something?” 

“Well, I was trying to be a good person and be non-judgmental, but now --” 

“No, this isn’t about your frenemy,” Michael interjected, dismissing her. 

Eleanor looked at him. “You know the word frenemy?” He waved her off. She looked down at the ground. Odd. Eleanor hadn’t looked up when Tahani came in. Usually she gave Tahani at small smile or a wave at least. Even a ‘Hey, beautiful.’ 

“I’ve watched a lot of TV this reboot. Speaking of, we’ll have to reboot.” Michael clapped his hands once. 

“No, sorry, if John wasn’t the spy, who was it?” She had to know. Perhaps they were mistaken and John could be disqualified from the experiment. 

“Karl, he was posing as one of my bodies,” Janet didn’t seem too distressed as she explained. Tahani thought that if she were in Janet’s position and one of her strange non-alive simulacra she’d be rather more distressed that she couldn’t even keep _track _of all of them. What was going to happen when it came time for Janet to destroy, or reabsorb them? Could some of them end up wandering the afterlife forever? 

“Janet’s a great mom, she wouldn’t have a bad kid.” Jason was still annoying loyal as Janet shook her head. 

“They’re not my kids, Jason.” 

“This time,” Michael said, “we’ll do it better. I’m more prepared now, Eleanor won’t have to pretend to be me. Won’t that be nice, Eleanor?” They all turned to look at her but she was still staring at the floor. 

She noticed their attention and looked up. “Yeah, sure,” there was a pause where a smile should be, but it never appeared. “Definitely.” _Distinctly odd, _Tahani thought but she couldn’t spare Eleanor’s behaviour more than a moment as Michael went back to detailing plans. 

*** 

Tahani noticed though, when Eleanor picked through her coq au vin, when she didn’t even touch her white wine -- even though it was a cheap variety that Eleanor preferred. Tahani only kept it in the house for her. 

She noticed when Eleanor pushed her up against the wall in the corridor, knelt down, and hooked Tahani’s right thigh over her shoulder. There went another pair of panties. She could always have Janet magic up another, she thought, as her eyes rolled back. 

Eleanor kept her there until Tahani could no longer form words. Then, not done, pulled Tahani over to the chaise. Eleanor smacked Tahani’s hands into her breasts. 

“Come on,” she muttered and Tahani started plucking at her nipples the way she liked. But she kept asking for _more_ and _harder _and the look behind her eyes was like Eleanor wasn’t there at all. Tahani felt like she could have been anyone and Eleanor wouldn’t even notice, there was nothing of the fun and fondness that had characterised their past encounters. 

“Stop,” she said and Eleanor backed off immediately, looking at her warily. She reminded Tahani of a cornered tiger, like the ones on the news after they wandered into a city. Tahani thought for a moment, but she realised what she wanted to say. 

“I’ll help you, but I won’t help you hurt yourself.” Eleanor let out a laugh that was more than halfway to becoming a sob. Tahani reached out her hands, but Eleanor shied away from them. 

Seeing Eleanor now, Tahani thought back on their time together. The sex was supposed to make her feel good, it was the only space where she didn’t have to be working for the rest of them. 

It was supposed to be fun, but Tahani was realising, fun couldn’t be everything. Not right now. If they kept going the way they were, it would wear down the foundation of fondness between them. She’d let it go on like it was without talking because then she could tell herself the great lie. The lie that Eleanor had chosen her, that this was meaningful. It pleased the small squirmy thing in her chest. 

But that lie wasn’t worth their friendship. 

Eleanor didn’t feel the same way about her and it would hurt more and more. This evening was the smallest of previews, but Tahani knew where it led. Tahani was the cliff Eleanor was climbing because nothing would happen if she failed. 

Tahani realised what she needed to say. “I don’t think we should do this again.” 

She meant to explain about being friends and how she would get over it, eventually, but she couldn’t be used as a waypoint. She didn’t have a chance to get any of it out. As soon as the words came out of her mouth, it sparked something in Eleanor. Eleanor’s eyes went wide and her face went red. 

“Fine,” Eleanor said, already moving, gathering her clothes, holding her flannel and shoe in a bundle in front of her. 

Tahani ran after her. Well, first she threw on a smock, but then she ran. “No, wait, Eleanor, let’s talk about this,” but even barely shod, Eleanor was quite speedy. This was probably some sort of Arizona talent. 

“I love you,” she said quietly. Perhaps too quietly, as Eleanor was already down the hall. Tahani watched her go and Eleanor didn’t look back, didn’t acknowledge her at all. Tahani knew it was crumbling, but not this fast. 

Tahani waited a second, stunned before she thought: _fork that. _

If she sent Eleanor out of her bed it was to save them and she would save them just as she saved Hamilton when she told Lin Manuel Miranda to include rap amongst the ballads. Without Tahani it would be ‘It’s Quiet Uptown’ forever and everyone knows the play is nothing without ‘My Shot’. 

She took off after Eleanor in a dressing gown, shoeless. Two could play at this game of outdoor dishevelment. 

Tahani didn’t get close to her until she was already most of the way back to the clown home-- which was of course right after Chidi bumped straight into Eleanor. 

The sun was setting gloriously over the pond, shining against the reeds and Tahani wasn’t sure she’d ever seen such a horrible sight as Chidi earnestly approaching Eleanor. 

At least he was alone, that was the only blessing. He could have been with Simone and Jana, or worse, John. 

But then she remembered that Chidi had wanted to talk to Eleanor, and he still thought she was the Architect. Tahani hadn’t even been able to warn Eleanor he was coming. She sped up and careened into the scene just to hear Chidi finish, “--sorry, are you crying?” 

Tahani’s heart fell into her stomach as she saw it was true. There were tears all down Eleanor’s face. 

“Yeah, bud, I’m crying, good powers of observation there.” 

Chidi’s face was scrunched up. Tahani didn’t have Eleanor’s facility with Chidi’s different grimaces, but it seemed like somewhere between moral quandary and not enough garlic toast. 

Tahani jumped in before Chidi can ask a devastating question like, ‘Why?’ “Eleanor, why don’t you come back to the house?” She tried to nod at her encouragingly, but Eleanor wouldn’t look at her. 

“Why?” Eleanor just kept her eyes fixed on Chidi, didn’t turn. “I don’t live there, and I’m not welcome, you made that pretty forking clear.” 

“I didn’t say you had to leave! I said -- oh for would you look at me.” Eleanor should just her _explain. _And then she would see that Tahani was the embarrassed one and she could go back to feeling superior and attractive. 

“Wait. So. You and her?” He pushed his glasses up on his nose. She wished she could see Eleanor’ face but she was still only getting back of the head. “Is that ethical? With you being the Architect?” 

Eleanor let out a snort that was a little too wet to be truly mirthful. 

“God, you’re so you. Just relentlessly yourself even when you’re a stranger. Always with the ethics,” Eleanor was getting louder as she was talking, her hair was starting to flick back and forth. “But newsflash: ethics are broken and nothing matters.” Eleanor started to pace. 

“You try and you try and no matter what it’s meaningless because everything just gets erased like it never happened --” and Tahani knew how much Chidi losing his memories affected her, but to hear this, so raw, it made Tahani ache. “-- and everyone will always decide you’re not worth fighting for and you’ll end up having to do it alone, even after they say they’ll help.” She shook her head. “Well, they will for a little, but then they’ll stop so you shouldn’t have counted on it in the first place.” She stopped and panted for a little. Tahani was back to being a little shellshocked. She thought she knew what was going on here, but now it seemed a little like Eleanor was maybe talking about her rather than Chidi. Or maybe both of them. 

“It’s not like that, Eleanor,” Tahani said, voice low. She went around to force Eleanor to face her. Eleanor tried to turn away but Tahani cupped her hands under Eleanor’s elbows and trusted that Eleanor wouldn’t rip out of her arms. “It wasn’t helping.” From here she could see that Eleanor was crying, her eyes were puffy and lips were red. “It was only distracting you.” 

Eleanor stomped her foot a little. “Well maybe I needed distracting.” 

Tahani shook her head. “No. You needed a chance to deal with what we’re going through, with the truly _insane _situation we’re living in.” She took a second to breathe, settling herself. “Even if I believed that you just needed some distraction, I… I couldn’t do that anymore. I feel too much.” She willed Eleanor to understand so she wouldn’t have to spell it out. 

She saw when Eleanor got it because she reeled back. Before Eleanor could say anything and humiliate Tahani further, Chidi spoke. 

“I don’t know what’s going on here, but I think I should go. And maybe report you to the Architects board for professional misconduct, or however that works in paradise.” He jerked his thumb to the left. 

But a fey light went on in Eleanor’s eyes. “Come on, Chidi, haven’t you figured it out? You’ve had like a million clues, or was improvised duet karaoke night not enough for you?” Chidi just looked at her blankly. “This isn’t the Good Place, and I’m not the Architect.” 

It was Chidi’s turn to recoil. Rather a recoiling party they were having. 

“We’re all stuck in the afterlife trying to maybe be good enough that we’ll get to go to the Good Place. This is attempt three hundred and something and guess what? It wasn’t good enough. It’s never good enough. We just keep going over and over with no hope of anything getting better or changing and next time _no one _is going to give me an orgasm unless I bring enough coke to Mindy so _tell me: _how is this fair?” 

Silence reigned for a second. 

“We’re not in the Good Place?” Chidi shouted. 

Tahani rolled her eyes. “There’s no need to be so dramatic about it,” Tahani flapped her hand at Chidi. 

“You want me to be less dramatic? After what I just heard?” He grabbed his head with his hands. “This is because I ate the hand-peeled shrimp at the dean’s party isn’t it, even after I saw the documentary about how all hand peeled shrimp is peeled by slaves.” He was really working himself up. “I didn’t know it was hand-peeled til I saw the box after!” He said the last part to the sky like it had any answers. 

“Don’t be absurd, Chidi,” Tahani snapped, “you’re here because the entire system is broken and no one has been able to earn enough points to go to the Good Place in 500 years.” 

“Though the shrimp did lose you a couple of points, probably.” Tahani glared at Eleanor. “What? It’s true.” But Tahani was glad Eleanor seemed to be back to a more normal operating parameter. She often seemed to rally when one of them was having a bit of a moment. 

But now Tahani wasn’t sure what to do, so she did what she always does in these situations. “Janet?” Janet appeared, Jason in tow. Great, just what they needed. 

“Chidi just found out he’s not in the Good Place and is a little overcome, could you bring him a cup of tea?” 

“Here you go,” Janet said as she passes over a cup. Chidi took a sip. 

“Thanks Janet,” he said, blowing on his tea. Crisis averted. Now what to do? 

“Janet, what do we do now?” 

“Well Tahani, Michael was already planning the reboot, so it shouldn’t hurt anything for Chidi to know what’s going on.” 

“Actually, this is good,” Eleanor said in such a way that made Tahani think it was bad. “O wise philosophy man, maybe you can tell me why I shouldn’t just lay down right now. Why should we keep trying?” Eleanor’s eyes were pleading, searching for the answer that Tahani also hoped Chidi could provide for her. 

“I -- I don’t --” 

Eleanor interrupted him. “Let me tell you a story. Boy and girl meet, fall in love, get their memories erased, meet, fall in love again, same. And then one day, one of them chooses to forget and leave the other one being the only one who remembers. And they have to see each other every day. Was it worth it? Them being together? Was it ever?” Eleanor’s voice stayed even until the end, when it broke a little on the last word. Tahani wanted to go forward and hold her, but she’d removed that option from the table. “Oh and in case you were wondering, I’m talking about you and me.” 

“Yeah, I was piecing that together from the way you and Tahani keep glaring at me.” 

“So? I can get you a blackboard if that helps?” 

“Well,” Chidi said slowly, like he’s actually thinking about this. “Actually, the philosopher Camus spend some time writing about this in his philosophy of the absurd. I hadn’t really thought about it before now, because with the point system it’s obvious that life _does _have meaning and we’re all working towards getting into the Good Place, but --” 

“_Skip _ahead, Chidi.” Tahani recognised that Eleanor was in a dangerous frame of mind and was apt to do something reckless if Chidi couldn’t reach her quickly. Normally Eleanor loved a Chidi lecture as well, she liked them far more than the rest of the brainy bunch, who mostly just tolerated them, or in Jason’s case, tuned them out. 

“Ok, ok so: things are meaningful because we decide they are--we make our own meaning. And Camus would then say that we have to accept that the things we think are meaningful don’t last forever. We die and they get washed away by time. But we still have to do it anyway. So yes, even if the relationship ends -- and can I just say it’s weird to be talking about this? Since I don’t remember? -- it was worth it because it was worth it at the time. Or in more Camus terms, you have to push every rock up a hill even though they just roll back down and crush you.” 

There was a moment of silence as they all took that in. 

“No offence, Chidi, but that’s probably the dumbest philosophy you’ve tried to lay on us and you’ve tried a few winners.” 

Chidi puffed up a little, affronted. “Every philosophy sounds overly simplistic when you have to distill it down to --” 

“Nah,” Jason said, apparently he had snuck up on them at some point. Wonderful, it was a real humans convention. “This one makes sense. I think.” 

“Jianyu, you talk?” Chidi continued to be shocked by everything, it was slightly tiresome. 

“He’s not a monk, he’s a dirtbag from Florida called Jason. Everything is a lie, keep up.” Eleanor was a champion at distilling the facts. Jason just gave a big smile and proud look to Chidi. “So let’s get back on topic, say what you wanted to say, how does it make sense?” 

Jason’s eyes glittered with excitement. “It’s like Groundhog Day. Dude does good things every day even though he knows he just has to do it all over again.” 

“Yeah, but eventually he doesn’t have to anymore, he gets a break and time keeps moving forward. That’s not like this at all, where we just go over and over again.” Eleanor was arguing with Jason while Chidi watched was very familiar to how they used to spend their time in the lab. Tahani was suddenly conscious again of her unkempt hair. 

Chidi’s brows were furrowed, probably trying to accept this new conceptualisation of Jason. Tahani tried to imagine thinking Jason was a wise monk and her brain couldn’t handle it, so it was hard to sympathise. But the gears behind his eyes were still going so perhaps he would have something to say. 

“In the 1990s Bill Murray comedy, Groundhog Day,” Chidi said slowly, lingering on every word like he needed to establish the basics to keep going, “he doesn’t know that the days will stop. He tries things that might help, but he has no guarantee that this will ever end and there’s no escape. So yeah, actually, Ji-Jason, that’s a pretty good example.” 

“Well, it’s bullshirt,” Eleanor said. Chidi just shrugged, clearly uncomfortable. “So what’s the point then?” 

“The point?” Chidi asked. 

“The point of trying. If Bill Murray just has to smash that alarm clock again, and again, or like, that rock or whatever, what’s the point.” 

“For Camus, the ‘point’ was that there is no point. We can only be happy when we acknowledge that life is ridiculous but choose, despite that, to try to make meaning.” His eyebrows lifted as he warmed up to his topic. “Although, this does raise an interesting point. In the Myth of Sisyphus the rock will roll down on Sisyphus regardless of what he does and he is required to push it. So in that universe there is no Free Will. If the Myth of Sisyphus applies to your -- our -- situation, then it logically follows that --” Eleanor cut him off. 

“Nope, you can’t have determinism and still have a point system, so Free Will exists.” Tahani remembered that conversation. Chidi’s absence had been palpable, but it’s good to know that it seems like he agrees with the conclusion. 

“Ok, I do have to say that it is a little uncomfortable that there were all these discussions I was clearly a part of that I don’t remember.” He straightened his sweater uncomfortably. 

“You weren’t in this one, we reasoned free will out when you and Simone were realising that we don’t have brains you can MRI in this place.” She paused thoughtfully. “But we did use your philosophical frameworks to figure it out, so thanks, teach.” 

“You’re welcome?” Chidi’s eyebrows were dancing again. “Did this...help?” Tahani waited with bated breath. She didn’t have the concerns Eleanor did with the repetition -- she knew they would get it right eventually, but she desperately wanted Eleanor to be hopeful. 

Eleanor looked like she wants to sneer but she stopped herself, thinking for a second. “Yes,” she said, stunned. “Yes it did.” 

They stood there awkwardly for a moment. 

“I guess I’ll just go...wait to find out what happens now,” Chidi said as he turned to walk off and Janet went with him, to reassure him, she hoped. 

Tahani reached out for Eleanor. She’s not sure what she wanted to say, probably something like ‘_I’m sorry,’ _or ‘_I still want to help _or _please come home with me’ _but it’s probably good for her dignity when Eleanor just waved her off and said, “Sorry Tahani, I think I need some time.” 

Eleanor walked off towards the clown house and Tahani just stood there, feeling the dirt beneath her toes, unyielding. 

*** 

Two days later, they were ready to go again. It was two days that Eleanor had been studiously avoiding her and Tahani was letting her. If Eleanor needed _space _she could have it. 

Besides, she had party planning to do. 

If the last party was good, then this party would be a tour de force. 

The canapes were perfectly balanced between sweet and savoury options and she preemptively laid in an extra shipment of shrimp cocktail to deploy later in the evening so they shouldn’t have a repeat of the last event’s shrimp drought. 

Everything had been planned for. Except Jason, apparently. Tahani resisted the urge to clap her hands over her ears -- that would be gauche -- as some unbearable shrieking came through the true surround sound system. The noise was literally coming out of the walls. 

“This is dope!” Jason shouted as the shrieking increased. “Why is the room playing the greatest Skrillez beats?” Tahani winced a little and thought very hard about Faure’s Requiem. She relaxed a little once the song changes over to the soothing flute music she wanted, which helped her feel prepared to answer despite Jason’s disappointed _aww._

“This was inspired by something you said, actually.” Jason brightened up. It was almost distressingly easy to make him happy. “You were talking about the feeling you get when you can pick the music -- getting the aux, I believe you said -- so this party is designed to simulate that experience. The room will play the music you are most thinking of.” 

Jason’s mouth dropped open a little and Tahani took back any negative thoughts she had about Jason -- his awe was very gratifying. Sensing that he was lost for words, she gave him a dignified, if pleased, nod, and went to introduce herself to the guests. 

She saw Chidi in the corner and headed straight for him. As she got closer, she felt her heart start to beat faster and at the last moment she swerved hard towards Jana, hair and skirts swinging to catch up with the rest of her. 

_What was that? _She wrestled her breathing under control while re-affixing her smile to her face. She’d thought she was ready, or at least more ready than Eleanor, to face the prospect of starting all over again. But if her reaction to Chidi was any indication, she wasn’t ready at all. She’d have to introduce herself...again...sometime. And it wasn’t Chidi’s fault that his mere presence was like a _dagger _in the _heart _and how could Eleanor _stand _it, being so close to someone she _loved_ and having them not return their affection. Well clearly she _couldn’t _if her general state of bitter hopelessness had been an indication. 

_But she’d been getting better, _a small voice inside her head said. _She’d been smiling more. Until you shut her down and kicked her out._

_Stop it, _she ordered herself, _I can’t be the reason she backslides into bad habits. _She had to nip this nonsense in the bud. 

_So? She wasn’t hurting anyone. And don’t we all deserve something a little nice? We’re saving the world. _Her inner voice had a point, but there was something she still couldn’t agree with. _You just had to ruin it with your silly romantic notions. _Tahani had wanted something from Eleanor that Eleanor hadn’t offered. And maybe that was selfish, but it was because she loved Eleanor that she could not let Eleanor poison herself with emotional evasion through sex. For Tahani it would be easy to pretend, but Eleanor needed someone to help her be brave. Tahani could do that for her. 

Eleanor felt rejected now, but Tahani wasn’t going to let go, sex or no sex. 

Oh God, she really couldn’t think about this here or she’d end up melting down just like her good friend Leo after finding out he wouldn’t be nominated for an Academy Award following his performance in Inception. It had taken the purchase of two dinosaur skulls before he’d started to seem like himself again. The man did love a fossilised reptile. 

Physically shaking herself, she realised that her feet had carried her over to Jana. Horrified, she realised she’d been staring straight past Jana’s ear for a good few seconds. Blushing, she checked her comportment and went to apologise for her blunder, but she saw that Jana was also staring past Tahani’s shoulder, bored and indifferent to Tahani’s crisis. 

Never had Tahani appreciated Jana’s entire blase affect so much. She prepared herself to make conversation in the face of monosyllabic answers. At least this time she knew Jana’s weakness, and it was striking psychology professors. She could work with that. 

“So, I’m Tahani,” she started, brightly “What’s your name?” 

*** 

Tahani had worked the room, yanked the music back on track several times when Jason had gotten over-excited, and successfully managed to avoid getting stuck in a conversation with John, whose song of choice was a robot woman who kept asking what someone was saying. Except it was grammatically incorrect, just ‘_whatcha say?’ _over and over. Equally successfully, she had given Eleanor space, which was simple because she hadn’t moved from her position at the bottom of the stairs all evening. 

She drifted over to a corner with Jason and Janet, where Jason was explaining something to do with motor sports to Janet. 

“You see, it doesn’t start getting good until at least the 50th lap. And really --” Jason paused, lifting his head like a bloodhound who had just scented prey. Tahani looked around, but the only thing that had changed was the song. Also, she couldn’t see Eleanor anymore. 

_I don’t wanna wait_

_For our lives to be over_

The song had just started playing, Tahani wondered whose it was. She wasn’t familiar with the piece herself and it didn’t quite feel like it was in John’s repertoire. 

“Oh dang, I love this song! Dawson’s Creek was like, my favourite show.” Ah, that settled it. “Who picked this one? I want to high-five.” Or maybe it didn’t. He put his hand up, and started casting around for a high-five recipient but none was forthcoming. 

Then Eleanor advanced on Tahani with a certain inexorable energy Tahani couldn’t define. It felt like nothing could get between Eleanor and her goal, and her eyes were burning with an intensity that suggested that if anything tried to stop her, they would regret it. 

“Listen,” Eleanor said when she was a mere few steps away from Tahani. Eleanor’s gaze was locked onto Tahani and Tahani took in a breath because Eleanor sounded so serious. Tahani braced herself. “Sorry this is too distracting,” Eleanor turned, high-fived Jason, then turned back to Tahani, serious face back in place. 

“Ohh, this is your song! That means--” and he stopped himself, grabbed Janet’s hand, and walked back into the party. 

“Why are we going?” Janet asked, full volume. Jason whispered to Janet, but it was Jason so it was definitely audible at a distance, “Things are about to get _real_ over there, they need privacy.” 

Tahani blinked. “Listen. I know I’ve been caught up in myself and haven’t been thinking about your feelings so much --” That was deeply unfair, Tahani knew Eleanor had been working hard on their shared goal of reforming the Good Place. Additionally, Eleanor had been attentive to Tahani’s needs and moods, as well as Janet’s continued growth as an individual. Hardly the actions of someone caught up in themselves. Tahani took a moment to be proud of herself for noticing and valuing the work of someone else. Go Tahani. 

“Eleanor, that’s not true! You--” Eleanor made a chopping motion and Tahani fell silent. 

“Whatever. What I mean is, I was like, waiting. Just like you said, I was trying to distract myself and get through and I wasn’t really, you know, with you all of the time.” She blew out a breath. “There was a part of me that was using you to blow off steam and distract myself, just like you said. The full Shellstrop.” The level of emotional honesty seemed to be making her uncomfortable. It was almost as if she was trying to crawl out of her own dress. “But that’s because I like you...I trust you.” And then Eleanor straightened and looked at Tahani triumphantly. 

But Tahani was at a loss. 

“Sorry, I don’t really understand?” 

“Ugh, you’re going to make me say it? I like you. You’re my friend. And the sex was really hot. I’d like to do that again, but maybe with a bit more talking about our feelings. Or whatever. It’s stupid.” Tahani felt a rush of affection swell inside of her. Did Eleanor mean what Tahani thought she might? 

“What about Chidi?” 

“I still love him, but he doesn’t know me, right now. He can’t know me, and he might never know me. We don’t know anything about the future. And I’m like, way not ok with that, but I’m alive now. Or, I guess I’m dead, but you know what I mean. And you said that Chidi and me are soulmates, and maybe we are, or maybe soulmates are stupid and fake. I feel like just ‘cause I loved -- love, I don’t know -- Chidi, doesn’t mean that’s all there is to my life. It shouldn’t be the only relationship that counts, you know? But Chidi said this thing about choices and choosing mattering and right now I want to choose you.” Eleanor reached out and grabbed her hand. Tahani was floundering. It had never occurred to her that someone could have a better option and still choose her. 

“Maybe you’ll want to make a different choice sometime, or maybe something will happen and we can both make different choices. But! Until then, I want to go full Dawson’s Creek with you. I want us to be a thing that matters.” She kicked her foot a little, heedless of any new scuffs on her pumps. 

“What d’you think?” And she looked up to make eye contact with Tahani, her eyes a shining blue. Tahani realised that Eleanor had delivered this whole speech to her right shoulder and that, more than what she said, made Tahani feel like Eleanor meant it. Eleanor was being vulnerable in this moment and it made Tahani consider her own feelings. 

What did she want from Eleanor? 

She already knew she was connected to Eleanor--and Jason, and Chidi, and Michael and Janet--forever. The ties between them went beyond simple romance and mutual affection. 

But she couldn’t pretend that there wasn’t something different about how she felt about Eleanor. 

Maybe she wanted flowers and romance and grand gestures, but more than anything she wanted _Eleanor. _She wanted her smile in the morning, after she’d had her coffee and never before, and her sharp wit, and her unswerving devotion to her friends. 

She hadn’t thought she could have that. But here Eleanor was, laying it out. And actually, storming across a party in front of Michael and all of their friends was as grand as gestures could get. 

So what was the risk? If she said no to Eleanor, would she get anything other than misery? Tahani had never seen any value in self-denial, which is why she refused to sign the non-compete when she consulted at Apple when they were determining the aesthetics of the Apple Watch. And a good thing too, or she wouldn’t have been able to contribute her vision for the design of the SpaceX rocket. 

So the answer came down to her: yes. 

Yes to choosing each other. 

_I wanna be here now, _the woman sang. 

She stepped in close to Eleanor, felt the heat off her skin, saw her eyes widen. Gently, carefully, she reached in and tipped Eleanor’s chin up and leaning down, and pressed their lips together. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Comments are so loved, even if you copy a line.
> 
> And then after this they manage to figure everything out somehow involving the Superbowl because Jason is always right.
> 
> And here's a bit of a ramble, so feel free to scroll on by.
> 
> This story is the perfect example of letting the perfect be the enemy of the good. I wrote this months ago, felt like it wasn't doing what I wanted and just sat on it (and by finished I mean, it was a mess). And I couldn’t make it do what I wanted and never managed it. I was just having a lot of feelings at the end of S3.
> 
> You have to imagine me basically going full Linda Hamilton in T2 just carving ‘NO FATE’ on everything. I was stuck thinking, like, how does it feel? To be stuck in this almost infinite loop? It seemed pretty wearying. So I wanted to say something about why choices matter, why trying matters, even when you’re going to fail, even when you have to do it over and over again.
> 
> Basically, why ever put the dishes away? They’re only going to get dirty again.
> 
> This story is rebloggable on tumblr: [here](https://routerdecomposer.tumblr.com/post/186726847014/the-difficult-place-phnelt-the-good-place-tv)

**Author's Note:**

> Comments are loved! Even if there's a line you liked.


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